What Is Your Ego Standing In The Way Of?

Good Morning - Happy Thursday. Heating is on, radio on low, lap top fired up as I work on my content for my speaking at Brad camp in Bradford next Tuesday and prepare for my trip to London next week to see my business coach and attend The Business show at Olympia and distract myself from thinking about more pressing matters. Now if you are nosey like me, you may be thinking what is your more pressing matter Debs and you may relate to the word 'distraction' well I have learned I am good at distracting myself from things that take me out of my comfort zone. The word distraction is another word for avoiding, I am good at avoiding things that make me feel out of control, insecure and not approved of? Can you relate to this?

I am fortunate that I am learning to recognise these things when they occur, accept them and let them go. This week has been particularly poignant in my spiritual growth. I am not getting all mumbo jumbo on you. For me spiritual enlightenment is not about candles, churches and visions of angels wings. It may be for some and that's Ok. I am not knocking it, my own spiritual journey is about letting go of my ego and the need to be in control, feel secure and have approval from those I share my life with and meet along the way. It's a deep sense of knowing I already have these things, trusting myself and more importantly loving myself.

Life is always teaching us if we choose to learn from it's many lessons. Life's lessons are here to guide us - I wrote on facebook on Monday 

'I give thanks for the gifts of love I have been given over the last 44 years of my precious life, this body is loaned to me as I flow freely along this wondrous journey. Following the sad news I was passed today I celebrate that I have been touched by the person who relinquished her body this weekend aged 44. Be free Mrs P Im smiling at the jokes we shared'

In the moment of writing this on Monday I had the overwhelming urge to have a cuddle with my Mom.

As old as I am I often get these urges and never act on them. This got me thinking and I had a complete moment of clarity, why when I have a Mom, do I not take advantage of these moments?! EGO is the answer, I am a 44 year old woman, strong, fiercely independent and making my own way in life. When I look at my ego, it is driven by FEAR, how could you be scared of your own Mother? I am not scared of my Mom, I am fearful of her rejection which creates insecurity in my thoughts, fearful of her ridicule which makes me feel disapproved of, and fearful of the feelings I have just mentioned as they make me feel out of control. In writing this I make my own Mother sound like a monster, which she is not. So why would I feel this way? Like I said my ego tells me I am an adult and pride stands in the way of me asking for the love I sometimes need, and there is an air of expectation that my Mom should know I still need that love, as I did when I was a child. How do I overcome this?

It is much simpler than you think

By acknowledging and then accepting I am loved, I have her love and approval, I am secure and in full control. I can let go of the pride and sadness inside and allow my ego voice to quieten down and allow myself to love in this moment, in loving my Mom unconditionally free of the ego, I love myself. So on Monday when I thought about all this and released all the emotion, I set my intention that I would accept my Mom loves me and I would accept I love her freely, and in doing so I love myself with no expectations. I let go of the emotion of courage I felt too and felt an inner peace I haven't felt for a while.

On Tuesday I popped to my Mom and Dads as it was my Dads birthday.

I sat next to my Mom and I cannot tell you the love I felt for her. We briefly chatted before she fell asleep as she has been a little unwell of late and I watched her, and felt grateful this incredible woman had breathed life into me. At that moment I saw a mirror image of my older self, a 67 year old woman, strong, fiercely independent and probably as fearful as me of being rejected by her eldest daughter. In this moment of realisation I touched her face as she slept, it was soft and warm and she smelled of 'my Mom' you know Moms have that distinct smell all of their own. I felt unconditional love, all warm and squiffy.

Yesterday I popped back over to Mom and Dads to help dye my Mom's hair.

We did have a giggle when her white roots went ever so slightly pink and I must admit for a while I was a little anxious this could all go wrong! She however trusted me enough to laugh about it and had an inner resolve that it would be OK. You know what? it was OK and a crisis was averted. Whilst sat and talking to her about this and that I watched and listened to this lady, who had given birth to me, then my brother, then gone through a tragedy no parent should have to face, my brothers death at 6 months old on New Years Eve! Then followed the birth of my sister and twin sisters after that. I have watched her have a bowel operation, face cancer of the skin near her eye, be diagnosed with Osteoporosis and Diabetes, have a triple heart bypass, (she doesn't do things by halves my Mom), lose precious family members and friends along her life's path, including her best friends husband to a tragic road traffic accident and watch her best friend of all lose her battle to ovarian cancer and I thought to myself, not once have I heard her feel sorry for herself, seen her acting like it was all too much and she couldn't carry on. Even if inside she has felt like crumbling and it was all too much she remained positive and powered on.

There is the underlying joke for a man marrying a woman you know the one.

Take a look at the mother in law and that is how the daughter will turn out. As I said to my hubs last night, WOW take a good look at my Mom because if I am half the woman she is by the time I am 67 I will be grateful. What is even more powerful is that in this realisation over the last three days, it is my Mom who is my other half, the mirror image that completes me and makes me whole and I know no matter what the peace I feel inside is like a storm that has been raging suddenly silenced - bliss.

Today my Mom with her newly coloured hair went for a investigative colonoscopy.

I found myself a nervous wreck at 9am, I suddenly had the 'what if' moment, you know the one. I had this once before when I lived In Germany and she was having her open heart surgery. The anxiety and fear that raged then suddenly reared its ugly all consuming head again. Thankfully this time I had the tools to deal with it and gave myself a good talking to and it settled in no time. But I felt compelled to write this blog. Dad called me about 11.20am to say all had gone OK and Mom was home. She came on the phone a little woozy, but hearing her voice was like a lullaby, comforting and soothing, I felt like a small child all over again, safe and loved. As the call ended I said 'I love you Mom' (tears are welling up as I write this I'm a soppy sausage) and she said 'I love you too. The feeling when I heard those words were better than winning the lottery and NO money can ever buy the feeling and sense of well being that is bought about by two people exchanging a gratitude for being in each others lives.

Life is TOO short to let FEAR and EGO stand in the way of loving yourself 

It is the most precious gift you will ever be given, self love means you have the ability to love others unconditionally and in return be loved living a life you love. This blog is dedicated to my Mom, you are AMAZING Mom and we have more happy memories to make, the hair dying is just the start of a whole new chapter.

If there is someone out there you need to connect with do it before it's too late. let go of the ego and enjoy.

Debs x

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